Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Dear Proactiv

Dear Proactiv,

I know it is late in the season, but could you please consider sponsoring I Love Money? Perhaps just drop off a few free samples to the set?

I don't know if it is all the late night drinking, the stress of catching catapulted chickens, or simply sleeping on hair extension glue encrusted pillow cases, but something is causing the I Love Money cast to suffer from some serious skin funkiness. It seems like each early morning scene where they get their wake-up conference call, they are all sporting some splotchy blotchy, humpy bumpy, crusty cysty skin that could use some Proactiv attention.

I realize this is a "reality" show, but I prefer my "celebs" to be camera ready at all times. If I wanted to watch a bunch of losers with bad skin shouting at each other, I could just peek out my window at my neighbors across the street.

Thinking HDTV is not always such a great idea,

Friday, July 25, 2008

Big Brother 10, Episode 6 Eviction

Julie, you are making this too easy. The first WTH moment from this episode of BB has to be Julie Chen's outfit. Orange. Head to toe. Who looks good in orange? And you accented with black shoes? Paying homage to Halloween? I know CBS has a stylist because they obviously did everyone's hair and makeup for the eviction episode (was it just me or did Renny look 10 years younger?) Maybe you need to do a little reflecting on what you did to piss this person off.

Next WTH goes to Steven for his Tourette's like "Suck it, bitches!" outburst on live TV. I'm not sure what his aim was with that, but I am wondering if he has any regrets now...

Okay, I am not saying anything else because I don't want to spoil things for those of you that still have this episode hanging out in your dvr. Isn't it funny how the advent of the dvr has allowed us to be even lazier about watching TV? I never thought that could be possible.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Nashville Star - Melissa Lawson: Hometown Hero

OK, I don't watch Nashville Star. I have no desire to. I'm sure it's a good show, but after 42 seasons of American Idol, I kind of gave up on this format. Now don't get me wrong...I'll be watching Rock of Love until Bret Michael' extensions are literally hanging on by one tiny piece of bleached blonde hair. But hearing a bunch of small town singers try to make it big warbling songs I don't even like to hear the original singer/band take on...I don't think so.

So why am I writing about NS? Because that's all anybody else is talking about around here, so I might as well, too!

Evidently, she's from the Dallas/Ft. Worth area and the news will talk of nothing else. You'd think this chick just declared she was Jesus Christ. I mean...I was getting ready for derby practice, and they were showing her playing with her kids. In a voice over, she confided in us what she doesn't miss being away from her family for so long - Changing diapers! Bath time (which I'd previously heard moms kind of that made me suspicious of her immediately!)! Then she was cutting her son's hair with crappy scissors and doing a really bad job (Gad she didn't decide to go with Shear Genius...). Right before I left, they were talking to her husband (who was also clad in a Nashville Star least she's stocking up on swag). When I came home from practice...there she was again! They were talking about how she is planning to sell her home to chase her dream (they even showed the lockbox on her door so we'd know they weren't making it up). When all was said and done, I knew way more about her than I ever needed to...well, except how she sings!

I don't know why they didn't show her performing. Maybe that was in the 8th segment or something. My only hope is that it's not very well...I don't think I can take much more of this!

Edited to add: After I closed up the laptop for the night, I sat down to read the paper (yes, I'm an evening paper kind of gal...I'm too busy sleeping in the morning to get to it). Guess who the first article I read was about? Not even kidding.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

There is a God!

Well, a DVR god at least. And not to toot my own horn but, toot-toot, I called it... Rock of Love Season 3 is on the horizon!

Read about Ambre's take on the break-up, if you are interested.

Friday, July 18, 2008

I Love Money Episode 2

OK, WTF was up with Rodeo’s no-nonsense French braid at the beginning of this episode? I swear she looked like Richard Simmons in one shot. I will say that she was an obvious choice for the next team captain, though. If her maternal ways didn’t put her over the top, that braid sure as hell did it for her. (Too bad she almost got choked out during the competition. I wish it would’ve damaged her ability to laugh…gawd that is annoying, huh? Not as annoying as her product placement in ep 1 (Rodeo hot sauce, y’all?)…but annoying nonetheless.

I really like Rodeo. Not sure why I went off on that tangent…If I were one of those people who said “But I digress” I would do so here.

I thought that the highlight of the show was Rodeo getting her head caught in the ropes! My opinion of Chance skyrocketed when he chose not to beat her senseless while she was trapped like a wild boar. He has more restraint than I would have. Do VH1 and CBS share a stylist? Because there was a French braid epidemic on the eviction episode of Big Brother last night as well. The French braid reminds me of high school because that was the official hairdo of our drill team (mine, too!!!). Which I was not on (I was…). But I wished I was (you can borrow my pom-poms). Anyway, I don’t know if I would say that I like Rodeo, but she is amusing to me. And anyone that has the patience to try to mediate a situation with Midget Mac is golden in my book. Rodeo’s got some sort of Hee-haw innocence about her or something.

Anyway…I’m sure the goof people on IMDB are going crazy, because when Destiney nominated Real as the next play to hop in bed with the enemy, you heard her voice, but she was clearly drinking from her water bottle. Miss that? I am obviously very observant (and somewhat pathetic).

I missed this! (Probably has something to do with this whole baby thing I’ve got going on here?) I am surprised too because I usually spot continuity errors right away. Like when the guy with the mullet on the Bachelorette got his party in the back trimmed off and then ABC tried to splice in a scene where he still had his mullet. Now who’s pathetic?

OK…is it just me or does Nibblz have the most annoying (yet strangely hilarious) lisp ever? Like when she lost her part of the challenge and said, “Thith sukth on tho many levelth” my diet coke almost spewed all over the place. Funny as hell.

I should probably use this time to say that I had a lisp as a kid. In fact, in third grade, I went to a spethal clath with 4 other kids in my grade. For 45 minutes a week we learned how to pronounce “our etheth.” The speech therapist watched us eat to make sure our tongues were doing the right thing (my husband still thanks her…) and conducted some pretty intensive sessions with us at which we had to repeat the same words over and over…and over. I tell you this because my lisp was cured after that year. That would lead me to think a grown woman could probably overcome her speech impediment in a 6-week course or something, right? Rosetta Stone….are you lithening?

I am drawn to Nibblz lisp like a car crath, I just cant turn away! It is pretty sad when Toastee can make fun of you. She said something about getting even with Nibblz faster than she could say “Mithithippi”. Good one, Toastee, but I fear your dath are numbered.

ANYWAY…back to Loving Money…

I’m sure Pearl has some choice comments from the whole “twisted ankle” and bulimia things, but I will say I thought the whole “Power Outing” idea was a little stupid. Except for the fact that they got to drink margaritas. That was a plus.

Ugh! I totally snoozed through the PO. Booooring! But, Toastee was a surprisingly convincing actor… must be all that practice she had in her porn career.

OK, one more observation. We have yet to see Heather without a bandana. Even at the veto/execution/elimination ceremony (I can’t keep the names straight from show to show), when female contestants typically don their finest Electrique Boutique attire, she was wearing one. I guess her tattoo isn’t all she took away from Rock of Love.

Well, I found myself wondering how everyone knew to pack their yellow and green attire? Did Nibblz just happen to pack that grass green mini-dress she wore to elimination? Ooh, I better bring thith, it ith going to look fierth! And Heather sporting her yellow bandana, as Ro pointed out. Are they told beforehand what the team colors will be and instructed to bring outfits in each hue just in case? Or does VH1 provide a little wardrobe assistance? If it is the latter, I hope one of the wardrobe assistants talks Pumpkin into wearing a bra. Did you see those puppies in that red sateen party tank at the elimination? I know she said she would use the $250K for a boob job (and may I suggest a little botox and microdermabrasion?) but that doesn’t mean she should go free ballin it in the mean time.

Things I am looking forward to in next week’s episode: the lover’s quarrel between Heather and 12-pack and the love triangle forming between Heat, Density… ooops I mean Destiny, and Entertainer. What can I say, I’m a sucker for romance.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Big Brother 10, Episode 2 POV

This episode kicked ass!!! I totally agree!!! I was shocked out how into it I was just barely into day two.

I totally underestimated the bombshell brigade. I'm glad our blog is so popular that I can publically apologize to them in this vast forum. Thank GOD someone saw the true snake in the grass here - Jessie with his "forked tongue" had nothing on Beret-loving Brian. (I know it's not technically a beret...but close enough.) You go, girls!

I can't believe nobody questioned Brian earlier!!!

Yes! I was sooo glad Libra stepped up and called Brian out to April and Hooters Waitress (still working on remembering names here). I was going to be pissed if they all followed him like a bunch of lemmings.

That whole "criminal mastermind" schtick was way too much...way too soon. I mean, he's promising the world to everyone and there's no way he can deliver. (He obviously read the Will Kirby Guide to Big Brother on the plane ride down from San Fran.) How could they not see this???

Okay, being the BB virgin, I was wondering if this was unusual behavior. I mean, Brain, can you at least unpack your suitcase before you start playing Wizard of Oz here? And is there a faster way to get the viewing audience to hate your guts?

As usual, the veto competition sucked. You'd think they'd time this stuff in advance (couldn't they get Chen out there in her nightie to give it a test run?). I ended up fast forwarding through some of it because it was just too damn long and, many times do you need to see a tarred and feathered 75-year-old wallow around in honey? Speaking of absurd...why did all the girls get to wear cute jammies and Renny had to don the Esther Williams special? As I mentioned yesterday, she attended beauty school, so she - above all others - should know the best way to remove gooey stuff from her hair. Well, Steven might have an idea, too...
I actually watched the entire competition because I was certain that someone was going to slip on the goop and break a hip, or inhale some of that honey muck and need to be intubated. Plus I found it mildly amusing that all of the competitors looked thoroughly pissed off… no “whoop-tee-doo, I am on TV” happy faces there.

Anyway, Jessie wins and rips off his green tank a la the Incredible Hulk. Gag. Then house bands together and talks some sense into Jerry (who is without a doubt the most malleable reality contestant ever - good call, Pearl). Despite being conflicted, Jerry does the right thing and nominates Brian for eviction. Hell to the yeah.

I second the Hell to the yeah. I really hope Brian is the one that gets evicted because as annoying as Renny is, she is amusing. Plus there are already plenty of douche-bag meat heads in the house, there is only one old lady wacky woman sass machine.

Random highlights from this episode:

Memphis, knowing how the viewing audience gets confused by all the guys who look alike, wears a Memphis t-shirt constantly.
DIdn't Jerry look like the cutest Senior Olympics coach ever in the little outfit he wore to explain the veto competition??
Big Brother lists "Mixologist" in quotation marks. Glad even CBS realizes how absurd Memphis is.
Was it just me or did Renny just unabashedly throw on a wig before one of the house meetings? She is growing on me.
Is there some clause in the BB contract that states all house members under 65 must be either shirtless or in a bikini 85% of the time?
Interesting that son of a preacher man Ollie…”I promise I won’t embarrass the family” Ollie, was the first cast member to do a little backstabbing.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Big Brother 10: Episode 1

Did y'all remember to DVR Big Brother 10?
If not...I completely understand. I think they spent their entire yearly promotional budget on the "first-ever winter Big Brother" (which was lackluster at best). This time, I only saw a couple of promos If it weren't for my trusty TV Guide, I would have missed it myself. Lucky for you...I didn't.

Julie Chen promises this is going to be an exciting season...namely becuase the twist this year is that none of the players knew each other prior to coming in the Big Brother house!!! Oh. My. God. Seriously?? That's the twist? Honey, that twist missed.

But anyway...back to the show. It's always hard to write about the initial episode of a reality show. Anyone whose watched them (and if you are reading this, I know you love bad shows...or you are related to me and/or Pearl are contractually obligated to be here), knows they always seem to start off slow because all the Guido's look alike and you can’t keep the twenty-something cheerleaders straight. Diversity is not reality TV's strong suit.

A few of the players did stand out...mainly because they were either named the new Head of Household (HOH), nominated for eviction (N) or the winner of a prize (PW)

Let's meet them, shall we?

Jerry (HOH): A retired Marine from Texas, Jerry is the oldest player in Big Brother history (and my early fave). He's just the cutest old guy ever, even if his ability to tell a real breast from a fake one is strongly lacking.

Renny (N): A loud New Orleans native who attended the prestigous Jingles International Hair Academy (no, I didn't make that up) and screetches like a banshee at night.

Jessie (N): A bodybuilder from California who lists his favorite activity as, "Communicating with people that contact him whose lives he has helped to change." Not. Even. Kidding. (If Jessie encouraged you to do those two extra him through the CBS Web site.)

Memphis (PW): A mixologist, not Tennessee...Los Angeles (duh!) who insists on being called a mixologist, rather than a bartender (pretentious, much?). Now before you get all up in my shit and comment that there is a difference...bartenders create drinks, too. Anyone remember a little movie called Cocktail?

So there you have it. Don't forget...if you want to keep up with Big Brother 10, set your DVR to record the new episodes. Or catch it when it airs on Tuesdays (9pm e/p), Wednesdays (8pm e/p) and Sundays (9pm e/p).

Personally, I am a Big Brother virgin (eeew, that’s a little creepy sounding, especially since I do have a big brother, anyway…). I watched part of a past season because Ro said she enjoyed Big Brother and I totally respect Ro’s reality television sensibilities. After all, DVRgasm was spawned over our shared love for The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, so if Ro likes something I am pretty much guaranteed to like it too.

So I tried to watch Big Brother 8, but I started watching in the middle of the season and I didn’t realize it aired more than once per week and I ended up missing some crucial shows and I didn’t really understand all of the rules (HOH? Red Unitard?) then I got totally lost and stopped watching.

Now here I am on the Big Brother bandwagon, 10 seasons in. Better late than never. Okay, I know my Big Brother viewing history is riveting, but let me move on to the current season…

Jerry is my immediate favorite and I would have voted him HOH, too. Great-grandpa? Check. From Texas? Check. Not one to turn down a free booby groping? Check. I was surprised, however, that when he met in the HOH room with whatsisname (yeah, I don’t have them all straight yet either) that he said he had been strategizing for a long time and then proceeded to nominate the two people whatsisname suggested for eviction. Did Jerry get played?

Renny got on my nerves about 3 seconds into her intro.

April also stood out to me because she literally stood out. Which one of you works at Hooters again?

I have one thing to say to Memphis the Mixologist: Hi, my name is Pearl and I am a Freelance Parental Engineer.

Libra also caught my eye because she left her 5 month old twins to be on this show. Personally, I couldn’t imagine leaving my baby for a lengthy and indefinite amount of time but I am not going to get on that high horse. I am sure we will all hear fifty bajillion times that she is doing this for her children. Note to Libra: just because you are on the show doesn’t mean you are going to win.

Last but not least, Steven: Champion bull rider in the gay rodeo circuit. ‘Nuff said.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I Love Money Episode 1

I am not ashamed to admit that I have watched every season of Flavor of Love (Charm School included), I Love New York, and Rock of Love, and I thoroughly enjoyed every ghastly reality tv moment. So you can imagine my glee when I found out about VH1’s new show, I Love Money, which is comprised of cast members from these reality gems.

The premise of the show is nothing groundbreaking: cast members compete in soul sucking games and get eliminated one by one each week while the last cast member standing wins a hefty cash prize. The stroke of genius in this show is that VH1 has gathered former reality love-show stars (I am taking poetic license with the term stars here) to make up the cast and has essentially exposed their true intent for being on any reality show in the first place; the intent being cash of course. My only complaint is that they didn’t swing a deal with MTV and invite some of the cast from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila as well. There is still hope for season two….

So without further ado, a few observations from the show opener which aired last Sunday:

First of all, I am rather disappointed with Heather’s lack of camera time.

She is one of my favorite celbutantes if for no other reason than you can tell she fancies herself to be of equal star caliber to Angelina Jolie. You could totally see it in her swagger when she appeared in Rock of Love 2.

What happened to Mr. Boston? I don’t remember him being so disturbing on I Love New York. He kind of came across like the token whitie, playing his dorkiness to his advantage. Maybe I have fallen prey to the power of suggestion of Brandi (which I am sure happens all the time), but Mr. Boston has gone from geeky to creepy.

I am sooooo glad that Midget Mac got cut first. He is an annoying asshole. And his izzle-fied homage to Snoop Dogg got old about one series ago. Someone must like him since he did make the cast in the first place, so what do you say we all get together and nominate him for the next Bachelor?

Whenever I watch a show like this, I subconsciously make a list of losers amongst the cast (not to imply that the rest of the cast are winners or anything). I don’t know what criteria my brain is ticking through to come up with this list, but here are the losers of I Love Money so far, according to Pearl: Entertainer, Heat, Midget Mac, Mr. Boston, Nibblz, and Toastee.

If you missed the first episode of I Love Money, fret not, the next I Love Money airs tonight on VH1 at 9pm.